auronlu: Four warriors of light from Final Fantasy I (ffi)
[personal profile] auronlu
Once again, thanks to [community profile] moogle_university for inspiring this recap!

Final Fantasy I Playthrough past episodes: Intro | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4
D&D roots of FF



Final Fantasy I Playthrough, Episode 5: "Ninja Wizards"

Flush with the discovery of our shiny new airship, Momo embarks on a world tour at high velocity...

Rei: *bleeerrrrrrgh*
Nina: I thought only ninjas got airsick.
Momo: *buzzing around like a caffeinated bee* What's that? And that? And oooooh, over there!
Spoo: *hangs on for dear life*

We fetch up in the town of Onrac on the NW continent. The first resident we meet is a bit odd...

Rei: *dazed* Uh...look at your legs...sure thing, Bibi...
Nina: Come again?
Momo: Let's fly somewhere else.
Spoo: *searches tea shop for Dramamine*

Clues are acquired...

Rei: His name is really Baggins, isn't it?
Nina: Don't let Momo hear--
Momo: Something weird? Let's go buy it!
Spoo: .oO(Hope it's not a ring.)

"Foreshadowing, your key to quality literature..."

Rei: Okay, this is starting to weird me out.
Nina: I begin to sense a theme.
Momo: What, are yours bionic? Cool!
Spoo: ...

This town is basically one big tips guide...

Rei: Aha! Now I get it... mermaids! Let's try it!
Nina: No, Rei. She says the barrel's not airtight. We'll drown.
Momo: So? We're the Warriors of Light! We can walk on lava, so why can't we breathe underwater?
Spoo: ...

We meet a friendly dragon who looks awfully like Spoo's dragon form in BoF III...

Rei: Hey. Didn't that opening FMV show Spoo fighting with a big, red dragon? This bloke seems awfully polite.
Nina: Shhhhh! Tact, Rei.
Momo: A Citadel of Trials sounds like fun! Especially if it's know, all the boop de boop music with the techno panels and glyph spheres?
Spoo: *moans softly*

After collecting all clues, we head to a nearby waterfall mentioned by one of the villagers...

Rei: Tell me again why we care that somebody saw "some kind of mechanical creature" down here?
Nina: Do you need to ask?
Momo: Giant robot! I knew we were missing something in this game!
Spoo: ...

After yet more Kee Bats and a mob of Nightmare horse monsters that "Snort" snot on us, we find the robot...

Rei: Uh...sure...whatever...can I sell it?
Nina: No, Rei. It's a plot coupon. We'll probably need it later.
Momo: Robot! Wait! Don't self-destruct! I'll take you home and give you a nice oil bath and ... *sobs*
Spoo: ...

Fortified with Dramamine, we reboard the airship and eventually discover the village of Gaia far to the NE...

Rei: Wow, these villagers hand out tons of plot clues just like in Onrac. Wish we could've come here sooner.
Momo: Uh...oh... Nina was winged in our original gameverse, wasn't she?
Spoo: *sweatbeads*

Remarks from various villagers lead us to a desert caravan, where we discover the "something weird" that Underhill is selling...

Rei: "Bottled faerie." Guess we're too late. Wonder what it tastes like?
Nina: REI!!!!!!!
Momo: Yipes. Let's, uh, take her back to Gaia, shall we?
Spoo: ...

Back in Gaia Village, Nina pops the cork...

Rei: Yep, that's us! *thumps own chest*
Nina: Like YOU cared what happened to the poor, defenseless little...
Momo: Shush. Hey, look, she gave us a plot coupon. Something called "OxyAle." Betcha that'll help with the whole barrel-drowning-thingie.
Spoo: ...

However, on the way back to the gal with the leaky submarine, we get distracted among the Swiss Cheese Islands...

Rei: Bally weird place for gophers.
Nina: Whack-a-Mole Archepelago?
Momo: Or maybe it's the Sea of Holes? ♪We all live in a barrel submarine...♬
Spoo: *facepalm*

The holes prove to be Cosmo Canyon Mt. Gagazet Dragon Caves, inhabited by our token noble warrior nonhuman race...

Rei: Honor? Does that come with a cash reward, by any chance?
Nina: Rei... *sighs*
Momo: Is this the Citadel of Trials thingie? Great! I'm good with puzzles!
Spoo: *twirls sword hopefully*

Unfortunately, we trip into a hole that is NOT a dragon cave on the next island over...

Rei: Prince, huh? You mean Elfboy?
Nina: Spoo, wait! I don't think this is the Citadel of Trials!
Momo: Too late.
Spoo: *dashes in, hoping to impress the prince*

The sign over the door actually read, "Hellfire Chasm" ...

Rei: Well, 6hit.
Nina: It's one of those dratted bonus dungeons.
Momo: Don't worry! We're the Warriors of Light! We're inflammable!
Spoo: *still doesn't think that means what she thinks it means*

Bizarrely, when we drag ourselves out of the heat and up a staircase, we find ourselves here...

Rei: Huh? Well, you're not gettin' ours!
Nina: The map still shows we're in Hellfire Chasm.
Momo: Ooo! It's one of those TARDIS dungeons again!
Spoo: *totally confused*

We blunder around with our canoe, but...

Rei: Guys, you do realize that we left the airship back in the Swiss Cheese Islands?
Nina: And we're surrounded by mountains! I haven't seen a cave or hole or escape route anywhere, have you?
Momo: Oh, well, something's bound to turn up...
Spoo: ...

In the unknown desert...

Rei: What the?
Nina: Well, we've tried everything else...
Spoo: ...

Cue dramatic Uematsu soundtrack...

Rei: Well, don't that just beat all.
Nina: *sighs* I'm not even going to try to figure out the laws of physics here.
Momo: Aww, baby comes when it's called. Aren't you a good widdle airship? Yes, you are!
Spoo: ...

After flying around for a bit, we discover a suspicious hole...

Rei: Does that lead where I think it leads?
Nina: Most likely.
Momo: Time and Random Bonus Dungeons in Space! It's a TARBDIS!
Spoo: ...

Back in the land of lava tunnels, we find the Blue Flame of Optional Bonus Bossdom...

Rei: Oh, well, at least the gloating's cute.
Nina: Scarmiglione. From FFIV, right?
Momo: This isn't gonna be pretty, is it?
Spoo: *twirls sword*

One tough boss battle later...

Rei: We did it! We actually beat the sucker!
Nina: Well done, everybody!
Spoo: *acrobatic hair flip, strikes a pose*


Rei: Um...guys? He's still gloating...
Nina: I have a bad feeling about this.
Spoo: *For the PRINCE!*

Here we go again...

Rei: Well, 8hit.
Nina: *Diaga!* *Diaga*!
Momo: *burns through masses of MP*
Spoo: *expires nobly*

Defeated, our heroes wake up groggy and bruised, back in the Swiss Cheese Islands...

Rei: Man, what a hangover. Must've been some party...
Nina: *groans* I hate random bonus dungeons.
Momo: MEDIC!
Spoo: ...

After flying back to the Inner Sea to restock supplies and take a well-earned rest at Cornelia Inn...

Rei: Break out the 'smores, and let's go camping!
Nina: Why are the important dungeons always ten jillion miles from any landing place and in the middle of a swamp?
Momo: Citadel of Trials, here we come!
Spoo: ...


Rei: Uhhh... this throne we're supposed to sit on... is it gonna burn our tushies?
Nina: Rei, you really aren't very good at this "courage" business.
Momo: *sits on throne* *transporter sparkle* Whee! WHEE! WHEE! Teleport pad maze! It's even better than Bevelle's! I'm totally loooooost! Let's do the timewarp agaiiiiiin!
Spoo: *dizzy*

After a breezy hour of random teleportation, monster battles and getting snorted on by half a dozen Night Mares...

Rei: *looks in chest* That's our prize?
Spoo: ...
Momo: ...
Nina: *weakly* Didn't some dragon say it might not be what we'd expect?
Rei: So are you gonna tell the audience what's in there?
Nina: I...forgot to take a screencap.
Momo: Nice excuse.

We return our Dungeon Completion Token to King Bahamut...

Rei: *puffs chest* Yep! Call me Rei van Ratsbane!
Nina: *stares*
Momo: Probably not a coincidence. FFXII is chock-full of callouts to old Final Fantasy games.
Spoo: *hopes prince hears about this*

Rei: Er... that was just a joke, your Highness. Actually, I'd really like to be called NINJA WIZARD!
Nina: *perks up* Hey, settle down, Rei. I think we've just stumbled upon...
Spoo: *flexes*

*shimmery flash*

Spoo: *looks fabulous*
Momo: Hey, wow, I'm a wizard!
Nina: I'm a wizard, too!
Rei: But you're not a ninja! *dances around* I'm a Ninja! Thief skills suck. But I'm a @%$@# NINJA!

We'll leave Rei to celebrate his new badassitude. Tune in next time, when we attempt to locate more Crystals to reboot!

UPDATE: Part 6 is posted. Go here to carry on the glorious quest!

Date: 2013-01-09 09:36 pm (UTC)
cumuluscastle: (bogstrok)
From: [personal profile] cumuluscastle
Ah yes . . . ninja wizards. Despite having never played the game I still find your recaps enjoyable.

Date: 2013-01-11 02:23 am (UTC)
lassarina: I'm not coming out until the stupid people have gone away.  ....I can wait all day. (Default)
From: [personal profile] lassarina
*dead of laughing*

Your recaps are so hilarious. I love them.

....the "I'm a Wizard" is reminding me of the cover of "like a g6" that goes "roll a D6." If you are unfamiliar, Youtube it. It will probably entertain you, given your bent toward old D&D.

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