auronlu | (Reply)

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It's funny. Far back at the start of this story, Owlmoose caught me out in a little slip -- I'd made Isaaru Grand Maester, forgetting that Mika was still in existence at the time that my AU timeline forked off. So I had to explain what was going on there.nI got the idea that Isaaru Was Lying, or at least not telling the whole truth. (The "Half-Truths" chapter.) And from there it got to be that everyone in this story lies, except possibly Lucil. (Even Lucil, a little -- she doesn't tell Luzzu what the Djose mission is).

So Lulu lies to Auron every time she sees him, while she's Sin, or at least what she tells him is a superficial truth hiding a deeper truth. "It's vengeance, and nothing more." Actually, it is something more, and he knows it, but he has to figure out what.

A lot of this derives from Babylon 5. Fairly late in that saga, someone (call him Schlub, because it's a huge spoiler) has to let himself be possessed by an evil sentient parasite, as the lesser of two evils. After that, Schlub is more or less under its control. But if he gets really drunk, he can put it to sleep so that it can't control him or read his thoughts. Hence Lulu using her Venus-side to break away from Yu Yevon; I posited that it has a hard time connecting with her mind when she's indulging in sensual sensations. Also, Schlub will lie and put on a dramatic performance as an evil tyrant to fool his Keeper (the name of the parasite) into thinking he's playing his part as a villain, while hoping his friends will pick up on what he really wants to happen. The hard part is that he doesn't dare think of his real plans, or the Keeper will figure out what he's up to. So, except when Schlub is drunk enough to blur the Keeper's hold on him, he can't let himself think his own thoughts or plan his escape. Similarly, Lulu keeps having to fool herself; she can't think of the elephant.

Lulu's obsession with her memory-garden is another way to hold onto herself, to be doing something active, individual to her, to remember who she is and was and remember her past life, to assert self-identity against Yu Yevon's erosion of autonomy. I'm thinking of it as somewhat akin to the way unsent can remain unsent if they have a fixed purpose, like Auron does, some very strong compulsion that helps them maintain a sense of self. I think that's why Jecht's inner sanctum was the Zanarkand Stadium: it was Who He Was, at the core.